JOKE "RULES for ENSEMBLE PLAYING"

"RULES for ENSEMBLE PLAYING"
by Walter Bergman (1903-1988) 

THE THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T DO

1. Never worry whether you play the same piece as the others; they will soon find out.
2. Stop at every repeat sign, and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat
3. If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners.
4. Keep your fingering chart handy. If, in the middle of the piece, you don’t know the fingering of a note, look it up, try the note. You can always catch up with the others.
5. Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way, you can play out of tune all night with a clear conscience.
6. Take your time turning pages – it gives everyone a nice rest.
7. The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice versa)
8. Rests are difficult, especially on the recorder. If you are not sure of their lengths, ignore them.
9. If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost.
10. Strive to get the maximum NPS (notes per second). This way you gain the admiration of the incompetent.
11. Markings for slurs, dynamics, and ornaments are only there to embellish the score. Ignore them. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it is easy, speed it up. Everything will work itself out in the end.
12. If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, "I think we should tune".
13. "Blessed are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs".
14. If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be very interested.
15. A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original.
16. When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes you have left over. Please play those on the way home.
17. A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played with authority is an interpretation.