JOKE "Survey of Orchestra Musicians"

"SURVEY of ORCHESTRA MUSICIANS"

As a result of Mr. Hunt's recent article titled "Please Turn Down the Orchestra" a survey of orchestral players was undertaken. The object was to determine whether or not, in the opinion of the players, orchestras have become too loud. 

This question was asked: 

"Do you, as a professional orchestral musician think 

that orchestras have become too loud, and if so, 

how has this affected you personally?" 

Following, in score order, are some typical responses:

• Flutist: "Yes, most decidedly. In fact the situation has deteriorated to the point that I am actually looking forward to being demoted to 3rd flute and piccolo where I will be able to make myself heard, at least on the piccolo."  
• Oboist: "I think so. I have trouble keeping up as far as volume is concerned. I have finally resorted to two pieces of cedar shakes tied together to make a reed and the conductor still keeps asking for more."  
• Clarinetist: "Perhaps. The conductor has asked me to stand up on all solos so that the audience will notice me. I am also using one of those new titanium reeds. The tone is a bit metallic, but it does cut through the mass of string sound. I suppose the strings could play softer. I don't know; they have never been asked to." 
• Bassoonist: "I really don't know. I didn't show up for the last three concerts and nobody seemed to notice." 
• Hornist: "If he wants it louder, he should hire more horn players!" 

• Trumpet player: "I think we should play louder, faster, and put it up an octave." 
• Trombonist: "I really don't care. Just wake me up when we get to the last movement. By the way, where is the party after the concert?" 
• Tuba player: "I never thought about it. What I want to know is why I'm not allowed to wear my lederhosen at concerts. After all, I am principal of the section!" 

• Percussionist: "What?" 
• First violinist: "No, I don't think so. When the brass come in we don't have to worry about intonation in the fiddle section. I don't know what's going on in the seconds. There are times when I can't hear them at all." 
• Second violinist: "Perhaps Things have become a bit more complicated. I now use two bows, one for the soft spots and another for when the brass come in. I use soap on that one instead of rosin." 
• Violist: "Duh?" 
• Cellist: "Well I guess so. At least we have had to play louder since the bassoons stopped showing up." 
• Double bassist: "I don't know about the rest of the orchestra but all we can hear back here is that darn tuba. We all chipped in and bought that big guy a tuba with the bell aimed the other direction, but he won't use it. If we allowed him to wear his lederhosen would he play softer?"